on the willows

2007-01-24T19:42:00.000-08:00

I think that someone just said a prayer for me. Either here on earth, or somewhere else. Out of no where, for no real reason, I had an unexplained surge of power and strength.

And I didn't throw up...

and I'm not going to...

When you gonna make up your mind? When you gonna love you as much as I do...

2007-01-19T20:02:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been holding my breath for the past three weeks.

Today three weeks ago I walked into her kitchen, and there he was, and all he did was smile at me, and there was so much kindness in his eyes. And I felt like some power stopped time and then we talked for the first time...and...and I can't say anymore because I'm to scared.

Please please please don't give up on me...you'd be hard to get over.

I could of danced all night

2007-01-06T02:54:00.000-08:00

or just sat on his kitchen floor and talked until dawn and beyond...

April, come she will...

2006-12-28T09:50:00.000-08:00

2007 will be a good year, my friends. A really good year.

You'll see...

walking back from your house...walking on the moon...

2006-11-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

patience patience patience

and...he blesses me with patience.

... :)

I'm going home this afternoon and I am thrilled. My home is so beautiful, and I can't seem to get my mind off of it these days.

I need to learn how to have a good relationship with myself. I desire to treat others with kindness, gentless, love, forgiveness, and humility. But how can I do this if I am harsh, critical, unforgiving, unkind, and prideful with myself?

I want to seeeeeee again! I'm sick of blinding myself. More on this later.

later

late-er

l8er :)

2006-10-13T19:02:00.000-07:00

really...truly...more than anything, I just want a friend. I know I've been blessed with so many dear people in my life.

truly though, I wish I had a friend who would stay up late with me and count the stars. We'd talk of things that were beautiful and true, and how to stand taller, and stretch further. I want to share myself with someone.

these days I feel like I can't stop moving. I want to dance wherever I go...no matter how tired I am. I write more these days...some of it's good, and some of it's really cheesy, but that's okay. I'm learning to be okay with less than perfect. I'm learning to love less than perfect (in myself and others)

This weather has been lovely, but I want rain again soon. The mornings are chilly and I love it.

So many eyes sparkle.

off to Ire-, Scot-, and Eng-land!!

2006-06-05T16:37:00.000-07:00

Email me your mailing address-- dana.rose.fleming@gmail.com and I will send you a post card!

~Dana

2006-05-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

the more you know, the clearer you see how little you really understand...

breaking up is hard to do...

2006-05-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

i just watched "walk the line" with my family. it was...wow...loved it.

also...

i left blue-beta. not in a scarry, bitter, dramatic sorta way. because that's not how i feel, and that's not my reason, and my reason can't be summed up into words, no matter how articulate. my reason is something i'm still waiting to know. it was a fun year.

but..."the time as come", the walrus said, "to talk of other things..."

farewell my friends.

"May the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks"

2006-05-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

our minds are fascinating in that they can bind us, and shut us up into false prisons.

Or...they can totally set us free...

what if I let myself be free? what if I allowed myself the freedom to be all that I could ever want to be? the freedom to create, to love, to laugh, to cry, to sing, to dance, to run, to leap, to cherish, to believe, to see, to feel, to touch, to listen, to recieve.

to hope...

2006-05-10T20:21:00.000-07:00

I'm very comfortable in yellow (a given)

Orange is always a very natural transition, and very fun and exciting for me. But I can't stay too long, and am never totally comfortable.

I hate being green. I can't pull it off like you natural greens. I feel like I've been there for the past two weeks. I can't do the things I love to do anymore.

It all started right before I left Provo. I watched a modern dance concert with children ages 3-18 at the Spanish Fork High School. It was extraordinary. I held my friend Casey's little niece (2 years old) on my lap, and she adored it! SHE was extraordinary. And I spent about the first half in all of my yellowness, having a delicious time, sucking up every little bit of magic I could.

Then, about halfway through, I started to think. And I started to ask my mind questions I couldn't answer very quickly. And then I started to ask questions that take a lifetime and beyond to answer. And I got really frustrated. It was so strange.

Now I'm home. When I go bike riding, I start to think about things, and I seriously feel like my mind is going to explode! Things like art, dance, music, nature, wind, trees, thoughts, stars, feet, dialogue, God, the atonement, and people spawn so many ideas and questions that it's overwhelming. What IS this that I'm going through?

Sitting in the mall, I watched people for about an hour, and I nearly went crazy. No. Literally. I finally met up with my old friend Brandon and his friends, and I could barely function. I think I said all of 10 words. He pulled me aside and said "Hey, you okay? Something's wrong."

I feel like I can't talk to people. I feel like I can't answer my questions, and I feel like I can't express my feelings. I feel like my mind is perpetually tired and frustrated.

Here's the crazy part though.

I'm pretty sure I could leave this crazy green world behind at the drop of a hat, if I wanted to. And part of me really REALLY wants to. And maybe that wouldn't be so bad. I'd be a lot happier, a lot more peaceful, and I think I'd enjoy the world around me a lot more. So why not?

Why am I here?

Why don't I leave?

Because there's a reason for me being here. And to be honest, I can't really tell you what that reason is. But I think it has something to do with me growing.

And I'm going to stay here until I figure it out.

also

2006-04-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

maybe I'm not a horrible person. Thank you, Miss Emily. You are a blessing my life.

big springs park

2006-04-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

If only I could live my life the way I climb hills on my bike.

In my life, I see where it is that He would have me be next...where I would like to be. I'm filled with so much hope, but when I see so clearly that there's no way I'll reach my destination as quick as I'd like, I get frustrated, discouraged, and almost give up. I never will give up.

But on my bike. Ahhhh things are much different. I took a 28 mile ride yesterday, up the provo canyon trail. Pretty flat most of the way, but the last four miles before you turn around and head back are a pretty steady uphill climb. I don't think about how much further I have to go. I just take each moment as it comes; each mile as it comes.

I can smell breeze, taste the air, see the trees, hear the water, feel the moisture in the atmosphere. Are there words to describe it? Maybe there are. Maybe I'm just not eloquent enough to express how I feel. Or maybe there really is no way of doing what I felt justice.

That's what I love so much about this world. Everything in nature, if I look for it, testifies of Him; with a voice so soft, but so clear and focused. The reverance I feel for the mountains, for the trees, for the dirt, and the mud, the birds, the deer, the wind, the rain, the clouds, the leaves, the grass, the river.

I wonder to myself...why would I ever want to not feel this way? Why would I ever want to be anywhere but close to God?

When I reached the top (or rather, what I deemed the top) I sat in the grass next to a stream and meditated. I swear to you it was magical there. I swear it. There was something about the quiet and peace of a place that had barely been touched or even seen by man. Trees that had never felt the hand of a human being. Water that had never felt our bare feet. There was something about it all that took me back to the dreams I would have as a little girl, or the adventures I'd go on. So whimsical. So ethereal.

I love climbing the hills, and I love reaching the top. But my favorite part about biking is coming down the hills. I let go of my breaks, stand on my pedals, and lean forward. I fly. I earned it. Nothing stops me. The wind whips my my hair.

I'm alive...

kiss teenage angst goodbye!

2006-04-17T14:35:00.000-07:00

I'm 20.

Yesterday night was wonderful. More on that later.

All I want for my birthday is...

2006-04-11T08:12:00.000-07:00

A car
A back massage
Aerobic Dance work-out CD's
Best of R.E.M.
A hand massage
A smile
Dinner at any of the following places: Thai Ruby, Costa Vida, Cafe Rio, Chili's, Guru's, Bombay House, Bajio's, California Pizza Kitchen, Olive Garden, or Subway.
House pets of the past to be re-encarnated
A puppy
A hug
Friendship

To be a better example. A better disciple.

why this april won't be as good as last...

2006-04-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

Dearest Miss Fleming...

2006-04-01T23:26:00.000-08:00

"...This last week I learned something, and realized something. And I mean, I probably should just keep this inside, but it probably should have been said a year ago around Christmas, when we talked outside. I think back then that I liked you (like-like, that is) and I think I still do now. I think of my interviews with Bishop Rosborough and he always told me that I had a wall around my emotions, and I think that might be true. And so I think I need to get that out so that some people know how I feel about them (for example, you, or my parents), and now with that out of my mind, I can focus on my mission. And I don't want you to think that I sit around thinking about you all day and not being a good missionary cause I don't; I've just had that on my mind the last week..."

Boys? Translation please?

hello mr. zebra...

2006-03-22T21:42:00.000-08:00

tommorow I certify to become an aerobics instructor. wish me luck. i will most certainly need it.

Also...today we met individually (for 10 minutes) with our modern dance teacher. She said some really wonderful things (which I'd rather not write here) but she also said to be careful. She said she felt prompted by the Spirit to tell me that there will be people who I will encounter who will be threatened by my uniqueness, and sense of self, or who are just plain mean, and will try to break me down-make me conform.

"Dana," she said "You need to promise me that you will never ever be anything but you. Because He needs who you are to keep on doing his work, and lifting others."

I promised her I would.

be still my soul, the waves and winds still know...

2006-03-12T20:17:00.000-08:00

there is so much that I don't understand...

and you thought you knew, but you didn't have a clue

2006-03-10T22:39:00.000-08:00

so, my past three entries have been two sermons for the deaths of two of my dogs, and the taste of a bad day.

Today was...it was nice. I can't say it was good, because good days to me are when I spend a majority of them encompassed by the spirit. But it was nice to be social, have fun, and cut loose.

My goodness, I had forgotten what it is like. It was a taste of the old Dana, and I liked it. I think everyone else did too. :)

on the willows there, we hung up our lyres...

2006-03-08T15:12:00.000-08:00

i can't say it. i won't try. go outside and let the wind do the talking for me. nothing's the same.

And so he waits, for his girl who won't be coming home.

2006-03-07T11:13:00.000-08:00

We had two cocker spaniels. Cha-cha and Hercules. Hercules was always very timid and shy. His sister on the other hand, was a little firey ball of energy. On Sunday I hiked up the mountain. As I came running down the face, Cha-cha ran up to greet me and then we raced home. We had ourselves a little wrestling match, and then I went inside.

Last night my mom called me in tears. Yesterday morning, while driving my sister to school, she ran over Cha-cha. Cha-cha went to the vet. They tried to save her. They really did. But she died.

Now Hercules, her brother, sits on the porch, waiting for her to come home. It hurts because you can't tell him that she's not coming back. He doesn't speak our language. He'll just keep on waiting...until she slowly slips from his memory.

My only solace in all of this is that she will ressurected. And so will he. And maybe in the next life my mom can tell Cha-cha she's sorry. And she can tell Hercules she's especially sorry. And they can both tell my mom with their clean and soft hearts that it's alright. That it's okay. That they forgive her.

Because I just know they would.

I can't help but wonder if there were more mountains for Cha-cha to climb. More games to play, more hearts to warm, and more love to give.

But I guess that's not my place. I know it's not my place.

maybe it's time to say goodbye, now.

2006-02-28T23:27:00.000-08:00

Savannah went into the woods to die this morning. My dad found her almost dead in the rain. The family cleaned her up and now she's resting in my parents room. They're going to put her to sleep on Saturday. She's been my golden since I was 8 years old. I told more secrets to that dog than anyone else in my life. And Saturday, she'll be gone.

And I know I'm 19, and should be stronger than this...but this is really breaking me.

I wish my dad would have let her die in the woods. I think that's how she would have liked to go--peaceful, and surrounded by the trees, mud, and grass she knew so well. I really think that's how she wanted it. Not in a white sterile vet's office. No feeling. Just death.

Of course she loved us, but she didn't want to die in front of us. She knew what she was doing if you ask me.

Remember how we hiked up to the airport so many times? Remember those nights when I would just cry and you somehow knew? I could swear you knew what I was saying. You'd come snow-shoeing with dad and I. Pave the trail you would, eating the snow as you went along.

Oh girl. I love you.

Shalom.

today was a first...

2006-02-27T20:53:00.000-08:00

a boy in one of my classes (who has now come to be a good friend of mine) told me that on the first day of class, he thought I was one of those really pretty girls who wouldn't give him the time of day. I laughed out loud. hysterically. First the REDICULOUS idea that I wouldn't give someone the time of day, and second--that I was one of those really pretty girls. That's never been a mistake anyone has ever made. And while I felt bad that he thought that, I was secretly flattered.

maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen...

2006-02-23T20:51:00.000-08:00

So much for closure.

I was laying on my back today, stretching, and gazing at the blue blue sky. Springtime always reminds me of him.

Sometimes I worry that I will never find anyone else who will
-consistantly treat me as well as he did
-consistantly look for the good in life
-always try to brighten my day
-love me. Pure and untainted.

Shame on me. I deserve all of the pain that comes with knowing that I shoved such a wonderful person out of my life, because I got scared. Scared that someone could be close to me, and love me. Unconditionally. And now as I come to love myself, I see so clearly what it is I've lost. Who it is I've lost.

Today was a perfect barefoot day. (though if you ask me, every day is.)

Letters always come at the perfect time. I don't know how but they always do.

April, come she will

2006-02-20T23:08:00.000-08:00

Laying on the grass, the sun shining so bright, the sky so blue that it almost hurt. A friend let me think outloud today.

As I was laying there, reality was suspended. And for a time, I felt limitless. I felt peace within my own skin.

I just existed.

It really was a beautiful dream.

Thank you, Stefanie

2006-02-18T19:46:00.000-08:00

Words from a friend back home...

...I also wanted to tell you that when I was driving home today, I was thinking of you. And I think that you are probably the most true to yourself person I know.

Even though we all give you shit for being the Mormon girl, and being the crazy actress lady, and just about everything else in your life, you've never faltered, and you've never changed. I mean radical changes into something that isn't you. You know who you are, and you stick to it. You're not afraid of who and what you are, and I love love love you. I think we can all learn a big big lesson from you.

I can't put into words what I think or how I feel, but I think you are amazing. And I love you, and I hope you always stay true to yourself, because you give me hope that when I figure out who I am I can stick to it, too.

I feel sick...awful sick. Too sick-to do-arith-coughcough-matic

2006-02-16T10:11:00.000-08:00

Being sick SUCKS. Especially since I have...about 10,000 things I need/want to do in the next four days.

hmmm...good day...really good day.

my favorite flowers are tulips

2006-02-14T07:50:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day....suckers...

2006-02-14T07:31:00.000-08:00

Four ThingsFour Jobs I've Had

1. Snowboard Instructor. Ages 4-64, for two years, I taught them all.

2. Director-Directed a community play with 80 children between the ages of 4-19. Made $400.00, or in other words, $2.00 an hour.

3. Aerobics Instructor-and punch! and punch! knee raise! Other side and GO! Woo! You feeling it girls? Squeeze those abs! hamstring curls! push! and push it! Feelin' good! (...i hate myself sometimes...)

4. Early morning custodial...yeah...waking up at 3:30 didn't work so well as I was going to bed at 1:30...

Four Movies I can watch over and over

1. The Last Unicorn

2. The Green Mile

3. About a Boy.

4. Mighty Aphrodite

Four Places I've Lived

1. Honolulu, (whatever the abbreviation for Hawaii is...)

2. Frankfurt, Germany

3. Chewelah, WA

4. Provo, UT

Four TV Shows I Love

1. The Simpsons

2. Daria

3. Degrassi

4. Law and Order

Four highly regarded and recommended TV shows that I've never watched a single minute of

1. Lost

2. 24

3. Sex and the City

4. Desperate Housewives

Four Places I've Vacationed

1. Scotland

2. Russia

3. Norway

4. Holland

Four of my favorite dishes

1. Coconut Chicken Korma

2. Thai Chicken Salad

3. Chipotle Shrimp Tostadas

3. Tomato Basil Soup

Four sites I visit daily

1. The Richard's Building

2. The Cougareat

3. My Djembe Drum

4. The HBLL

Four Places I'd rather be right now

1. London

2. Scotland

3. Chewelah

4. New York

Four Bloggers I am tagging

1. all blue-beta folks

2. Dick Cheney (you KNOW he has a blog)

3. Ghandi

4. big toe on my left foot.

2006-02-08T12:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I secretly wish I smoked weed or drank, but this is really better. I don't escape my problems. Instead, I get to feel everything. Every pain, ever bite, every pinch, every drain. I get to feel it all. It's like standing naked in a storm, the hail stinging every inch of your skin, the wind knocking you over.

thunder.

lightening.

And knowing...that you are alive. You can feel, you can cry, you can scream, you can sob. You are alive.

ethereal...

Boy? Why do you cry?

2006-02-07T19:05:00.001-08:00

When I was younger, I used to read the Phantom Tollbooth all the time. I was always so envious of Milo and his extraordinary adventures. One day, I decided that I would have extraordinary adventures too.

/

2006-02-07T19:05:00.000-08:00

2006-01-27T22:32:00.000-08:00

Running was so beautiful tonight. Just me and the stars. I was running in the middle of the road on 300 N, and I jumped into a leap. I wasn't even thinking about it. And it was perfect. Perfect form, technique, distance. While in mid-air, I thought "wow...this is what it's supposed to feel like..."

I want to be happy. And I know he wants me to be happy. I am beautiful, and I mean that in the least vain way possible, (more than you could imagine.)

phones are off, the music's on...nothing brings me down.

2006-01-27T20:31:00.000-08:00

Today I swam in the pool with a mentally disabled girl named Heather. I was a bit nervous about it, because I was worried I wouldn't know how to properly care for/watch out for her. But it was so easy. All she wanted was a friend to play with her and listen to her. Children are so amazing like that. Don't know where to go with her? Just take her hand, and she'll show you the way.

Being with her made my heart light and soft.

So tired this evening, but I think I'll still go for a run before I go crazy.

The question is always "So Dana...any boys in your life?" And I always feel like there's something wrong with me when I say "Umm...no...not at all actually."

I'm a little worried, because I'm getting more and more comfortable with superficial male-interaction. I have a difficult time talking with returned missionaries in my ward, because I feel like they're taking mental notes about my worthiness for future matrimony.

One of my best friends last semester was an 18 year old boy working backstage for my play. I miss my boys from freshman year so much.

Whenever anyone tries to get in, I push them right back out.

I miss the warm hand of someone who loved me.

It feels like...me...

2006-01-19T22:28:00.000-08:00

Today I danced in the kitchen to "No Digity" with my roomates, made a beautiful card out of construction paper, played barefoot in the snow, made new friends, tackled old ones, ate an orange, made chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, laughed until it hurt and beyond, danced while walking to class, told a few off-color jokes, and loved. And it felt like me...whic h is something I haven't felt like in some time.

I found this letter in the hallway of my dorms one year ago.

2006-01-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

"Dear Dana,

This is a letter for you to let you know what an amazing person you are. From the first time I saw you, you've always been smiling or being nice to someone. You can be a complete goofball and party like a college student should. But you're also awesome to talk to and be friends with. You're a really strong person, and I look up to you a lot. You have so many cool talents. I love to hear you sing, and you have no problems sharing your talents with others. You know exactly who you want to be, and you stick with what you know is right. And you're so accepting and understanding with everyone. I hope someday I get to see what you do in the world. You've already affected so many people's lives, and you have so much you can do. Keep being you, you can't go wrong.

Merry Christmas."

2 months later, he asked me if I'd be his girl. And I said yes. 2 1/2 months later I said good bye...and he cried. 2 months after that, I cried.

Every day, I'm asking why I still think about you?

He said you're really an ugly girl, but I like the way you play...

2006-01-05T22:41:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like you're from another world? Sometimes I feel like I have all of these thoughts in my mind, and feelings in my heart, and I can't find words for them, but sometimes, I wonder if the words exist. This is not to imply I'm special or anything. I'm wierd, but that's never been in question.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever meet a boy who can hear the words I can't speak. I say boy, because I don't think a man would listen for what I didn't say. I think he would only hear my mindless jabber, and my lack of eloquence. I think he'd just see me searching for the words, but never finding them. I don't think he'd listen with his heart.

But maybe he could. I'd sure like it if you could.

And when I find him, I think I'll marry him.

Baby you can drive my car...

2006-01-05T22:23:00.000-08:00

So I get to drive the lovely Jessica Bennet and her Husband Lunkwill to the airport tommorow and then, have "wheels of my own" for three weeks! Woot! I like to joke about what a crappy driver I am, but fact is, I'm quite an awesome driver. From downtown L.A. to the snowy mountains of Canada. I've done it all!

What will I *do* with a car for three weeks? Hahahaha...umm...probably nothing to be honest :) With gas prices as they are, anyhow. But that will be nice. If I need to go to the store, I will. If I need to drop something off at a friend's, I will.

I met Katya and Melyngoch for the first time this past week. They're both so amazing. Melyngoch reminds me of the type of fun I used to have a long time ago. Also, I'm a big fan of anyone who can shut down Scott. She's hip, beautiful, funny, brilliant, and just *wonderful.*

Talking to Katya is like speaking with a Sage. And I can tell that she tries to understands me, which I really appriciate. She comes closer than most. She has this beautiful, peaceful demeanor (but manages to be quite hilarious when she wants to.) Also, she's one of the most unconventionaly beautiful people I've met. She's georgous.

The BB crowd is really great. And every single person who I've met, I like more in person than on-line.

I was born a unicorn

2006-01-02T12:18:00.000-08:00

New year's eve was a lot of fun.

New year's day...well...it could have been worse? Church was really nice, and much needed.

I've been thinking a lot...(it's either that or excersise when I'm all alone...or check BB every 5 minutes) about my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints. I was reading last night the story in the New Testament when Christ tells the wealthy young man to give up the things of the world, and follow him. He can't. He can't let go of his "idols" to gain so much peace and happiness.

I feel that way a lot. I love the Gospel, and I love my Father in Heaven so much. I'm so grateful for the atonement, and I realize that I can't fully comprehend what a great and selfless sacrifice it was, no matter how hard I try. But it doesn't stop me from holding on to my "idols."

Sometimes I just get on my knees and cry, and say "please, please take it away." But he won't. It's about agency. I have to let it go.

I was wondering what it will take to make me let it go. And I think that's the realization of who I REALLY am. Not who I think I should be, or what I have accomplished, or even how many people like me. Even the really important things like how many lives I touch. The realization of my great worth, and divine heritage. I mean, we can just say those things over and over 'till we're blue in the face-"I'm a child of God, I'm of infinite worth, etc." I say these things, but they don't resignate. And I think when they finally do, I'll see how worthless and what a waste it is to hold on to it.

It isn't a part of who I am. And it never was.

I'll never give up. I'll never lose hope. Ever. There are times when I feel as though I can't go on. But that's where what I feel fades off to the side, and what I know steps in. I know I can.

Most important, I know that Heavenly Father loves me right now. As I am. Not in spite of my problems, because they aren't a part of me. I used to always say, "I hope one day, to be good." I am good. I simply need to shed a few of those unwanted layers. It's the same for EVERYone.

I share a lot of my feelings openly. But there are some that I can't even begin to express. It's like they grow, and grow, and grow in my stomach, and wriggle their way up to the top, and just as I'm about to put them to words, they decide that they're too beautiful for words, and escape as warm breath.

I can't do them justice. Perhaps someone more eloquent?

A new year, huh? I'm ready.

2005-12-29T22:21:00.000-08:00

I remember that morning...2:00 AM.

Everyone was awake.

And everything went wrong. I was embaressed, but there was nothing I could do. It was everywhere. And they all saw it. And they all knew it. And no one said anything. They just shut their door, pretended they didn't know what was going on.

Because it was too much for them.

I stayed up till 3:00 cleaning it up; quietly sobbing to myself.

Nobody every talked about that early October morning. Ever. If I didn't know better, I'd say it never really happened. That it was all just a bad dream.

today

2005-12-15T00:04:00.000-08:00

I didn't look particularly pretty. But I felt pretty. I felt cute, and whimsical, and even at times, adorable. I was wearing my hippie-skirt, funny Mork and Mindy poofy down vest my mom sewed in the 70's, my glittery teal shoes, and warm mittens. My hair was wavey, and my make up was fresh. My cheeks were always pink from being out in the cold so much, and I felt like dancing.

I walked barefoot on several occasions.

And even though I sort of looked like a frumpy, silly flower child, I've never had so many strangers (male and female) talk to me as today...

I did not dwell on who liked me, or who didn't. I did not think about the talent I lack, or the size of my pants.

I thought a lot about the snow on the mountains, or the stars in the sky. I thought about the miracles of sound and music, and notes. I stretched...a lot. I danced in random places, including the sidewalk, bathrooms, and in the library...most of it lacked good technique. All of it was beautiful.

I played on the little patches of ice, and winked at people at work. I played with my eyelashes and twirled my hair.

How it felt to breath in that cold air, and let it clean out every crevice of you.

How it felt to have a prayer in my heart all day, and to know that he heard and cherished every word.

How it felt to be beautiful.

2005-12-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I see friends who have fallen from the church, or who are struggling, I feel that A. it is my fault, and B. it is my responsibility to bring them back. Because I have not done enough, or could be doing more.

Also...I really think that if my dad never joins the church, and if my family never gets sealed, or if our family history work never gets done, or if any of my syblings ever fall away, that it will be my fault. I know that's not necessarily true...but it doesn't change how I feel.

help

2005-12-12T19:41:00.000-08:00

yeah...that's all. help.

i don't actually expect or even want anyone to help me.

but i still need help.

grrrrrrrrr.........

2005-12-09T12:13:00.000-08:00

she makes me so ANGRY. She tells me I'm manipulative, a liar, and basically horrible. Then she emails me says that even though I AM all of those things, for some reason, she misses me, and wants to talk to me, to try and fix things. Then she thinks I'm attacking her, and retreats back to hating me...a week later, without fail, I get ANOTHER email saying that she misses me and wants to try and make things better again. REPEAT CYCLE.

I really can't stand this. I love her, but this is too much. I don't like the person I've become over all this.

but nothing's the same...and the wind starts to blow

2005-11-19T21:45:00.000-08:00

it's about one moment...that moment you think you know where you stand, and in that one moment, the things that you're sure of slip from your hand.

Wow...wait...what? hahaha! I'm not even sure WHAT to make of it! I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. I don't know whether to cry out of despair and frustration, or sheer and utter joy...and I won't know...for days, weeks, maybe months.

I can't wait to go home. I'm going snowboarding on Friday, and I can't wait to go on walks in the mountains with my sister. I can't wait to go biking around the valley with my dad.

I would I knew his mind...

2005-11-13T23:01:00.000-08:00

how can i put into words
what can only be put
to snow
falling on trees
what can only be put to the steam rising from my tea
to fog
lingering on the mountainside
or to the chill of the words
that my father never says.
i stand
all bundled tightly from head to ankle
but not my feet
those remain bare,
raw
gently sinking into the soft and sleepy snow
i want to taste it
feel it
lick up every last inch
i want to bury my head in it and sob
i want to lift my face towards the bleak
but breathtaking sky and scream
to be swallowed up.
i can only open my mouth to taste the air
i can only wiggle my toes to feel the snow
i cannot speak
i can only smile
i can only cry
i can only breath winter

get down stay up all night now, let's do this one more time, everything will be allright, all right. Bring it in bring it in, what?

2005-11-13T19:45:00.000-08:00

So I haven't written in a very long time. I honestly have not been able to find the time. Next semester I considered taking off, but decided just to take a rediculously light class-load.

I'm fine. I'm fine. Despite an incredibally rough week, my testimony was only strengthened...as was I.
Some very important people told me some very important things that I know are true. Such as; I can't let the opinions of a select few change what I know about myself, and what my Heavenly Father knows I can be. All doubt and fear come from Satan. I am not personally responsible for the pain of those I know and love. Just as my parents and friends are obviously not responsible for mine. And I can't fix everything all of the time. Sometimes you just have to close one chapter of your life, move on to the next, and don't look back for a while.

It's painful...but it's important.

I don't feel incredible right now, but that's okay. I don't feel wretched either. And at the same time I don't feel numb. I'm just kind of peaceful, and a tad sleepy.

Everything will be allright.

Wow

2005-11-02T16:52:00.000-08:00

So I'm basically a horrible person. Yes sir. A liar, manipulative (I'm manipulating you all as I type this), dishonest, selfish, and I'll probably hurt you again and again.

I didn't realize all of these things to their full extent until recently. I see people who don't know me very well each day...and every time they give me a compliment I want to start crying. Screaming. I want to say "Thank you, you're kind. Unfortunately, you obviously don't know me very well. May you never."

I feel sick. I feel like everything good that I found in myself was just another mask I put on.

I feel sick.

my mom would have died

2005-10-22T03:28:00.000-07:00

there we were...two amazing guys and I. from 11:30-2:00, just sitting stark naked in the hot springs and talking about everything. And simply gazing at the moon. Just existing. It was beautiful.

And how it felt to be naked in front of one another. I felt no feelings of digust or desire from them. For the first time, in a long time, I felt peace with my body.

The moon, like a piercing eye, framed by the tall, boney, trees. The warm water, the sounds of nature, near and far. The quiet that I found tonight in my heart. It's all too much.

losing a whole year...

2005-10-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

awake for 38 hours, asleep for 18. that, my friends, is the past two days.

awesome rehearsal tonight. it all felt great, and my director told us that, so far, our scenes are the most fun and intriguing to watch. i needed to hear this, because lately, i've felt that her casting me was a mistake and a lot of burden lies on me to be the best that I can. I'm in a mainstage production, and while my part is small...they expect you to be good. This is why I could never be an actress for a living. I love it, and there are times, when, if I may say so, I am quite good on stage. But there are so many times when I DOUBT and second guess and worry worry worry worry and it shows in my acting. If I could relax and be confident, I'd be fine.

but anyhow...good rehearsal.

also, I've given up on relationships, but not in a bad and bitter sort of way. I just really feel that Heavenly Father doesn't want me to have one right now, and that me getting into one would be a waste of my time. doesn't mean i won't date. if someone wants to see a movie, whatever. it's just not the right time.

also

i want it to rain

on me

and i want to lay in the green grass in Scotland and inhale the world around me.

love is fine...i assume. But I don't need it to be happy. Give me snow drifts on trees, give me snowboarding through fresh powerd. give me rainy days and star-studded evenings. and i'll be content :)

He hit the ground running, at the speed of light.

2005-10-10T20:31:00.000-07:00

so yesterday started out well, blossomed to it's fullest, got tired and lazy, whithered down, turned sour, sunk to the depths of despair, morphed into something spiritual, and left me with strange aftertaste in my mind.

it's difficult to describe, yes. yes it is.

i doubted a lot of things that i've always held so true, (ie: people are by nature good, and not selfish, I am strong, etc.) but through the power of my Father in Heaven, i managed to make it through alright. I know those are just lies. doubt and fear come ONLY from satan. this I know. and he sends those feelings to keep Heavenly Father's children from doing the wonderful and beautiful things he has planned for us.

Heavenly Father will make everything beautiful, in his own time.

i trust that.

now i'm "ready" to go back this week. come out swinging.

hehe...actually i'm not ready at all, but it looks like i don't have much of a choice, now do i?

if anyone wants to make me dinner, or give me a back massage.

this would be the week.

i thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag.

2005-10-05T10:28:00.000-07:00

why do i have this overwhelming unexplainable need to make an ass of myself when I am attracted to someone? Barring the relationships that have occurred, here is the trend.

I meet a guy
he intrigues me
I think he's great!
we become friends
i just love him!
wait...maybe I like him...
oh no...I DO like him.
well...better tell him
*finds boy*
I tell him
I proceed to make a complete fool of myself
all the words escape me
I go home feeling like an ideot
I wake up the next morning
I'm over him.
We go on to be awesome friends!

Sorry to everyone in my life (from 3rd grade on) who has, is currently, or will eventually have to go through this cycle.

Occasionally the cycle gets all messed up, and I have a relationship. But that has happened all of twice.

----wierd conversation with a friend last night.

some information that could have changed my entire last year.

had I known...

Chad and I hit it off from day one. Go ahead, ask me who my best friend from last year was. (well...barring Melissa)

Chad. We did EVERYTHING together. Joint at the hip, we were. Even when Erik was my boyfriend, I proceeded to go on dates with Chad. Casual, of course.

I always liked Chad. Always, always, always. But timing was not our friend, and nothing came to fruit. We just stayed pals, which was enough for me. And now, he's on his mission.

A mutual friend of ours talked with me last night. Apperantly he was crazy about me. The whole time. He had never liked a girl as much as he liked me...but he didn't know what to do about it (since Chad takes few things seriously) and then I hooked up with Erik.

I cried. I cried when she said those words. He was crazy about me! Could you imagine? I've always spent my life desperately chasing after one love to the next. always always with nothing in return. The best I've gotten was reciprocated interest, and in Erik's case, much love and adoration towards me. I guess once we were in the relationship, he liked me a lot.

But never have I had someone that was after me! Someone who thought about me all the time! It's almost too much.

so last night/evening/late afternoon. good? bad? awkward? insightful? whatever. not so important. it was what it was.

forever and ever amen.

so alone i'll keep the wolves at bay

2005-10-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

I just want the sky to consume me. The rain is...I can't even describe the way it makes me feel. Pouring on my face, and I want to drink up every last drop!

I won't lie, having someone I love with me, in it, would be pretty darn incredible. But taking it in alone is fine by me.

When I'm outside, in the rain, all I can think about it His eternal and boundless love for me.

And sometimes...you.

train in vain

2005-10-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

I know I'm setting myself up to get hurt. The sooner I stop, the less I'll hurt....so why don't I stop?

bah

So horrah for guy friends who will give you compliments and not freak out over whether you will take it the wrong way and fall desperately in love with them.

Today while I was on a run, I ran into my friend Spencer, and he said, "Gee Dana, I've never seen you in shorts. You have nice legs." I know he doesn't like me! But that compliment gave me a tiny, (and much-needed) self-esteem boost.

A boy named Tyler who picks up the pizza at Freschetta from the bookstore was talking to me for a while, and as we talked several people said hi to me, and he said "I wish more people were like you, Dana. You just have a genuine love for everyone you meet!"

Now granted I have about 8 billion and a half horrible qualities, but my point is not that I'm great or wretched.

My point is that compliments all bottled up and not shared mean nothing. If you find something admirable in a person, tell them! If there's a girl in your bio class who you think looks especially nice one day, tell her! If there's a boy in your ward choir who has a quiet, but beautiful voice, let him know! If a girl in your English class makes a comment that really hits home with you, tell her you appriciated what she said. If your roomate did a great job on a project, congradulate him/her. If you appriciate someone just for being your friend, they had better know!

I went for a run today. The sun was shining, which isn't ideal, but the wind was blowing leaves off the trees and all around my face. It was beautiful.

General conference was wonderful as always. I appriciated the dear and true things said to us women. What makes a woman beautiful?

~a glow of health
~a warm personality
~a love of learning
~stability of character
~integrity

There are many beautiful women in my life. I hope to, one day, be esteemed as one of them.

Bah

2005-09-30T00:05:00.000-07:00

that is all...just bah.

'cause you know where i'll be found, when i come around

2005-09-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went running. It was raining, and everthing was so wonderful. The air that I was breathing was heavy and damp. The world smelt so fresh and alive, and I was just so amazingly content with being alive. existing.

and then as I was on my way to rehearsal, the sun broke through just a bit, and there were two rainbows hovering over the mountains. i spent a moment just gazing in awe. I felt my Savior's love stronger right there, than i have in a long long time. I had so much joy in my heart, that while I was walking through the HFAC, I saw about two dozen people I knew. (classes had just gotten out,) and I said, with dopey, excited smile on my face, "GO! Go outside! Look at the world! It's so so so beautiful! Go right now!" They all just sort of giggled at me, "oh that's our Dana, so excited about such silly things." But I can't contain myself! I get chills when i think about yesterday.

as far as boys go, i've reached a concrete conclusion. i love having friends, and wish to preserve those friendships for years and years to come. but the next relationship i'm in, we'd better both be crazy about each other! because honestly, half-hearted relationships (or basically friends with benefits) just kind of suck. in my past relationships, the entire time, i just felt like breaking free, and saying "can we please just be friends, but still somehow remain close?" because we all know that once you break up, that's hard.

while i don't regret my relationships, and i learned from them, no more. i want something real, and i don't care if i have to wait for years and years. i used to always say, "I just wish he'd give me a chance!" no. if we're not BOTH feeling it, then let us not ruin a beautiful relationship.

i wish i knew what you were feeling...

everything has it's season, everything has it's time.

2005-09-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

show me a reason, and i'll soon show you a rhyme

today was a good day. in many ways it should have sucked. but it didn't. what a nice day. sometimes Heavenly Father throws us a bone, even when we don't deserve it.

what is it about you that i adore?

2005-09-25T18:14:00.000-07:00

there's something about your first, "love" (if I may call it that.)

i never appriciated him while we were together.

but now and then i see him again, and it puts my heart to the test.

but it's not like i'm still (or ever was) in love with him...and when i think about it, we'd never work out, and i insisted that we break up in the first place. in many ways i'm definitely over him.

so what is it about him that continues to slowly nibble at my soul? it's irritating more than anything.

something important i need to realize that i haven't realized with my past relationships; just because i am a good person, and the guy is a good person, does NOT mean we go well together. no sir.

another thing:

one week. i can do it. just one week. in the past 7 years the longest i've gone is 5 days. but i'm sick of being passive. no more. one week. i can DO this. i know i can.

Matthew 14:
But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.

And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.

And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

i do not doubt. one week. i can walk on water. i can do this.

We're taking a chance on love here, people. Come on!

2005-09-23T22:18:00.000-07:00

Quite possibly one of the funniest things I've heard this year. We were in modern dance yesterday working on our adagios (which we all not-so-secretly detest.) And my teacher, Robin, is always telling us that we need to release the tension in our face and that will help release tension everywhere else, and the less tension you have in your joints, the easier it is, to lift through the spine, get the length, and get the turn-out you need.

ANYwho. We do adagios to this cheezy jazz song, and some of the lyrics are "taking a chance on love." Robin was scolding us for having such angry/agitated/constipated looks on our faces and said "We're taking a chance on love here, people. Come on!" I couldn't stop laughing to myself for the next five minutes.

Today in class we had an awesome lesson on birth-pattern movements which was fascinating and SO much fun! And the guy who usually drums/plays the flute for our class danced with us. He was my partner in this cell-breathing excersise thing we did, and it was so relaxing. Great guy! I talked to him after class and he was just so interested in all of the silly things I had to say, and just asked so many questions. I didn't know what to make of it. Beucase it's usually just me asking other people things, and me seeming self-centered and talking just about myself (which...for as much as I do it, I really hate.)

I won't lie, he's an attractive/ideal guy...I just tend to think it's silly for me to believe anything will come of those sort of things. I am a friend. It's what I do, and I do it well. I need to stop kididng myself that right now I have the ability to be anything more.

But I still want to go on a fancy date.

Today, though. As I was walking to rehearsal (and yes, still in my modern dance clothes, WHICH I might add, included a pair of irresistable, red leg warmers.) And a guy from my acting class last semester (he's a super-senior MDT/media music major) was walking towards me. I waved eagerly as I usually do, and he gave me a hug and said

"Dana, I do believe you are the cutest person I know. Whenever I see you, I just think to myself, 'Man! I like that girl!' Just seeing your friendly smile makes my day."

I honestly almost started crying.

I mean, he's an MDT major, and sooo much older, and I've never really been attracted to theatre/MDT majors (except for Bryan Madsen. Oh yes. You will be mine) but still, it was just so nice to get that compliment. It made my day.

Did welll on my Russian oral exam.

GREAT rehearsal tonight. I CAN in fact, act. Horrah!

Went running with Charla, had a great talk.

Went walking with Melissa, had an AWESOME talk.

And so today was a great day. Wonderful. Lovely. Much-needed.

Tommorow I work from 7:00 AM-7:00 PM. (DEATH) Come eat at Freschetta. Please. Oh Please.

Also...really crappy (and not so crappy) teenage punk music makes me miss Erik so much.

I'm sick of doing all of the work.

2005-09-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

New rule: from now on, if you want me, come and get me. You know my number, and you know where I live.

I wish Chad was still here. Because I want to go out. And I want to dress up and make my hair beautiful and curly, and I want to have a reason to smell nice. I could just tell Chad that, and we'd go out, and it would be fun, and I would risk nothing.

I am now going to Modern Dance. It is my solace, and I'm so grateful I get it for 90 minutes every day. My dad gets angry and says I'm wasting my time. If it wasn't for modern dance, I'd probably go crazy.

I desperately want it to rain.

Ugghhhhh...I hate selfish entries like these.

Just get me through today. This is my prayer.

2005-09-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

this morning i thought of you, and it rained.

Why can't I use a tampon?

2005-09-20T21:40:00.000-07:00

Why oh why oh why oh why? It's so simple for everyone else! I've even gotten lessons (yes, 20 girls outside of a stall cheering me on and chanting my name. Not ideal, I might add) They've literally tried everything. I don't understand why it's so hard.

Anyhow. It is late...and between the time I started this entry and now, I believe a few hours have passed. And now whether or not I can use a tampon is not such a big deal. I'll figure out when I figure out.

Thank you for always letting me ramble. Please talk my ear off one day. I'd love that.

Okay. Homework! Ready, set, GO!

Is it they will, oh Father, that men shall toil for long? "No!" say thy mountains. "No," say thy skies.

2005-09-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

I am never alone.

He's always there, blessing me, loving me, and leading me by my hand through the shadows.

I know what I need to do. Peter walked on water because he had enough faith. If I really turn over my heart to him, and do what i need to do, I will be able to get through this. I KNOW I can.

I believe in Christ, so come what may.

say i'm the only bee in your bonnett

2005-09-16T23:40:00.000-07:00

you have to find something to make you live. sometimes life gets hard, or bad, or even boring. and we know that we're alive for a reason, but it's hard to find motivation to keep on going.

however, when I start to get like that, I think of the beautiful, private, ethreal moments in my life that keep me going.

riding up the to the ski hill with my dad in his truck and listening to the Foo Fighters at 6:00 in the morning. still dark out.

eating hot oatmeal at 7:00 in the morning in January outside in the snow.that hour I had to myself each morning.

the tree outside my window.

walking to Sister Johnson's in the rain.

swimming in Brown's lake at 2:00 AM on a warm summer morning.

the wind on top of a volcano we climbed in Scotland

the wind on top of Edinburgh Castle

calling you at 3:00 AM because it started raining, and kissing you forever in it.

my board cutting through the snow, the wind whipping my hair.

my drowsy dream with you, on your moped in the middle of the night. our last night.

flowers that bloom in my garden at home.

riding in the car with my brother, windows down, music cranked up.

reaching the top of Quartzite mountain with my dad on our bikes.

stretching.

the rainy streets of Seattle.

sledding with my little sister.

hiking with the other one.

laughter

tears

my father playing the flute

my mother's jovial chuckle

my Savior's love.

you have to find something to make you live.

it's been a very long time...

2005-09-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

a thousand tiny, red worms
eating my flesh
nibbling at my fingernails, my skin
devouring my hair, my teeth, my gums
eat, eat, eat my eyeballs
consume
devour
desire
crave
crave it like you crave the morning sun
like you crave a gentle kiss
or a friendly smile
or even
your dad's love
No
shake them off
kill them
destroy!
burning, boiling
simmering
every color of blood
oozing down my spine
down my leg
falling off the earth
into the stars
empty
cold.
cold as moonlight
stop and breathe
smile
a tear from heaven crashes on your face
smile
bandage the wounds, bury the truth
smile so big that nobody sees the worms

2005-09-10T23:02:00.000-07:00

go ahead. try and fall in love with me. i dare you. it won't happen.

unreal...

2005-09-10T02:06:00.000-07:00

So I was just talking, and asking questions, and analyzing, and trying to being logical, and doing a horrible job of it.

And finally I just layed back on the grass, and I let Heavenly Father tell me what to say. I couldn't tell you now what I said on the grass. Not a clue. Not even the faintest. And I said it a half hour ago.

When I was done, we just layed there, and the wind blew for about three minutes. I looked at the stars, and I felt an overwhelming love that Christ has not only for me, but for him as well. He motioned that he was ready to go, and we walked home in silence. Silence ALWAYS makes me uncomfortable. But it didn't. well it did, initially. But it was as if Heavenly Father said, "Dana...i know you think you know what to say, but why don't you just let me speak to him."

So I did.

He feel into my arms and just cried on my shoulder for a few. I didn't "cure him." As a matter of fact, I did very little. (there's very little I could do.) But he knows I care. He knows I'm here for him (yes, even at 3:00 AM)

And I walked home in a dream. Partially because of how sleepy I am, and partially because of how spiritually elated I was. I wish i could say that was due to my recent spiritual diligence and awesomeness, but that would be a blatent lie.

Sometimes Heavenly Father just gives us freebies...even when we don't deserve them.

It interesting. Every second our lives are preserved is because we are not yet finished with our time. The fact that He grants us daily breath is sign enough that he has never lost faith in us. There is still more for us to know, to learn, to love, to be.

Improvement and progression have one eternal round...

one song glory...

2005-09-07T23:07:00.000-07:00

I saw it coming a mile a way. And it went well. Really well. I think we both feel like a weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. Forcing something is never pleasent. Forcing something that should be pleasent is especially unpleasent.

Nevertheless, thank you for the music.

I hope you know you can still count on me. If you need a friend, I'll be there.

These past few days...wow...Heavenly Father knows me so well, and he has all of these great things in store for me. I must always trust him. And I do.

But I was talking to Melissa...and I expressed how while I never lose faith, I do grow weary...not of Heavenly Father, but of myself.

And in mid-sentance it hit me. Dana! You know what you need to do. You know the steps. And most of all, you know how wonderful things go when you are close to your Heavenly Father, and accepting all of his love, and utilizing the power of the atonement.

And I did a very good job this evening...first evening in a long time.

I think a lot about my Dad.

so i offer myself for the sacrifice

2005-09-07T16:36:00.000-07:00

broke on the edge
forced to choose
between what you believe
and what i could use

2005-09-05T17:11:00.000-07:00

will you light my candle?

i could light your candle.

The whole things is pretty effing effed up if you ask me. So don't ask me.

2005-08-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

Seven years. A lot can change in seven years. And yet, somehow nothing did...at least regaurding that aspect of my life. Sure, my "attitude changed." But attitude without action isn't worth crap.

Usually I can deal with it pretty well. I know it's my fault, and I just accept that. But it's not mine to abuse. A price was paid for it. A serious, and horrible one, at that.

I just can't think. I'm not even thinking right now. Don't think don't think don't think. That's what I tell myself all day. Because if I stop and think, I'll have to change.

I'm so tired. Too tired to change.

Oh my goodness...

2005-08-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

This is HUGE...

She rings like a bell through the night, and wouldn't you love to love her?

2005-08-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

So, my evening--Sick all day, felt better in the evening. I was walking to Gurus, and I was going to visit a friend on the way, however, my friend was not home, so I decided to go somewhere else and get some tea. I just went to the gas station and decided to get some gum instead. And it was good gum.

As I was waiting in line, two boys were very obviously discussing me. Whether boys are talking about me positively or negatively, it bugs me to no end. And as I was sick, and looked like crap, I was totally confused. Then as they were leaving, the one turns to me and says, "Hey...Sorry if this sounds kind of wierd, but you smell AMAZING." And I just laughed and said thanks.

That's right folks. Beatiful Sheer, by Estee Lauder. Second ONLY to Clinique's Happy. (Not that I can smell either in my current state.)

So then later on I decided I was hungry (since I had not taken in food all day.) John, (bless his Soul) took me to Beto's. We had a lovely discussion, he gave me a super-cruel fortune from a cookie, and he suggested the California Burrito.

I ate the whole thing and it was so good! However...I forget sometimes when I am sick, that I am, in fact, sick. (Ie: relentless excersising and the eating of the heavy foods.) And I got nausiated and threw up. BECAUSE I was nausiated, FYI.

ohhh...sooo...now I feel better...but if you don't want to come over, I understand...and if you don't want to kiss me I TOTALLY understand. Though I promise to brush my teeth.

To-do list.

-Clean landfill in room
-Write...
*Elder Qualls
*Elder Newman
*Elder Bingham
-Write back...
*Elder Farnes
*Elder Goodwin
*Elder Cope
*Elder Dyal
*Elder Quinn
*Elder Warnock
*Elder Garff
-Organize self for school
-Break fast with Zak
-Dinner with Tara and Allison
-Write in Journal
-Figure out how to be a decent person/friend
-Figure out how to stop lying to my mom.

My roomate was watching a movie, and Jennifer Aniston didn't pick up the phone. The guy was like like "Pick up the phone, it's your mom." And she's all, "I can't. I don't want to lie to her."

So he says,

"Then don't."

runny nose

2005-08-27T15:09:00.000-07:00

So I'm sick. My voulenteer friends sent me home, and I didn't feel so bad when about 4 extra people showed up today. I'll miss my friends, but they all said they'd email me. Reed was my favorite. For a guy with downs syndrome, he was incredibally competent. And he had an amazing memory. While we were waiting for dinner yesterday, I taught him how to play heart and soul on the piano, and it took no longer than it would have taken a "normal" person.

He likes theatre a TON. He asked me what I was doing at college, and I told him I was majoring in theatre. He gasped and exclaimed, "Me too!" Whenever we met someone, he always said, "My name is Reed, and this is my best friend Dana, and we're both majoring in theatre."

They all love each other so so much. It's great to see them hug and tickle and just love each other so simply and beautifuly. They have so much love and no hang-ups or reservations. One of the guys with downs syndrome blessed dinner for us, and closed his prayer with "in the name of our Savior and my personal friend, Jesus Christ, amen." It was beautiful.

I was walking with Loriann, one of the girls in our group. Our group was a little lost, and Loriann said "Dana? Are we lost?" And Amy, another girl with downs said, "Don't worry Loriann! As long as we are together, we are never lost!"

The best was when we were watching a movie, and someone in charge of the Wilk came in and asked us leaders what was going on. When we explained to him, he said they were just keeping on the lookout for Freshman in places they shouldn't be. The man watched our friends for a few minutes, then sort of chuckled and said "These guys are more mature then most freshman."

Do you hear the thunder out there? ohhhh I hope it rains!

Bathwater...nevermind.

2005-08-25T23:32:00.000-07:00

You can't give up on people period. People you love, people you like, people you know. Especially if that person wants you to. My dad wants me to give up on him, because then it will re-affirm what he spends his life trying to convince himself along with others to believe-that he doesn't need God. He doesn't need the Gospel. He's fine on his own two, thank you very much. And any attempt to change that path of thinking is in vain, because he is who he is.

Change is not a bad thing, and people need to STOP thinking that way. We need to change. We need to grow. That's why we're here.

Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ NEVER give up on people. Ever. So what right have we.

I'm never giving up on my dad.

And I'm never giving up on you...even though you'd really like that.

lime green, lime green, and tangerine.

2005-08-25T15:53:00.000-07:00

I need to quit telling myself that I am an innocent victim of this addiction. I play the martyr way too much and it drives me crazy. It really doesn't matter how many reasons or excuses I have. What it comes down to is that I have my agency, and it's one thing when I'm trying and I fall, but it's quite another when I'm just coasting along and saying "Someday I'll try."

He wants more than anything for me to be happy. And as soon as I can offer my sacrifice up to him...and be prepared to do it again and again and again, he'll be there to help me. I CAN'T do this on my own. But that's okay. It's how he intended it.

I am strong. I know he will guide me through times like these.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene
one step enough for me.

No, no, no, no, no.

2005-08-25T00:47:00.000-07:00

Nevermind. I wrote so much, but it doesn't belong here. It belongs in my real Journal. Goodnight, moon.

A call from home.

2005-08-23T21:03:00.000-07:00

My dad called me today. It was surprising, but we always get a kick out of one another. We know how to make eachother laugh. He's in the tri-cities, and he went biking today and told me about all of the awesome trails down there, making me insanely jealous. He told me he misses biking with me, which is as close to "I love you, Dana," as he can get. It's always nice, and somewhat unreal to hear his voice.

There's an incoming Freshman named Tyler who works at the bookstore and comes to pick up the big pizza at Freschetta three times a day. He's adorable, and every time we talk I just want to give him a big hug. Today, while we were waiting for the pizza to come out of the oven, he told me about his major, where he's living, and his feelings about college. He said that I "have a way," of making people feel important. Which sounds kind of silly because EVERYONE's important, therefore everyone should feel important. But the comment still meant a lot to me, and thanked him for it.

When he gets back from his mission, I shall pick him out a wife.

Wait...nevermind...I'll be on mine. Wierd.

SLEEP!!! The funny thing is no matter how much I mention sleep on this stupid thing I NEVER take a nap. No! Not one. So now. Now I go to take a nap.

Sleep---I pine for thee.

2005-08-23T14:12:00.000-07:00

So I was late to work today, but my student managers are basically the raddest guys ever, so I didn't get into trouble. Jared said it's because I'm such a "hard, friendly worker," that they didn't mind cutting me some slack. I was very flattered and appriciated that. But if it happens again, I'm lunchmeat.

One of my qualms with Erik was that he was even more hard-core yellow than myself (namely in the simplicity and innocence.) This wasn't a BAD thing, persay. We just never really grew. And he almost pushed me to be more green. Erik is a smart guy, sure. He just doesn't think about things, and I do. And it's hard to discuss things with him that never cross his mind.

He was so selfless though, and so kind. And I appriciate and thank him for that. He really taught me a lot in that aspect.

I'm beggining to see that's why we have relationships. We grow where we can, we learn and we progress, and then we take those things with us to the next relationship. And then I guess one day you...umm...don't leave one? You settle down with it and keep it. And you continue to grow and progress even to the eternities.

Michael will teach me a lot, no doubt. I'm grateful for that.

I need to go write in my real journal now. And sleeeeeeeeeeeep. mmmm yes. sleep.

oh my

2005-08-23T00:02:00.000-07:00

ahhhhh hahahahahaha

Whatever would they think of it? No one saw it coming, that's for sure. Fate was like, "Let's draw two names out of a hat. Sure. That could be entertaining, let's do it!"

But it feels right...for now. And I'm okay with that. I don't feel incredibally strong one way or another...I just feel peaceful. Which is a different feeling for me. I'm scared to death in many ways, but I'm happy. There's a lot to be said for that. Let's give it a shot. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

But how to tell the others? *gasp* How to tell my mother? Hmm...scratch that. Better not tell her for a while. For the next few months, Erik remains "The One," in her head. I swear she liked him more than I did.

I thought a lot about Ron today. Ron was an older man, who you could tell must have been VERY attractive back in the day. His wife ran a hair salon, and he had a little espresso. Ah yes. Lorraine's.

Mollie and I were regulars. School, theatre, home, friends, romance, enemies, church, everything got so crazy sometimes. But at Lorraine's it was different. A small room, and the shelves all lined with old books, hand-made costume hats from the 20's, and speacial tea blends. Folk rock playing in the backround.

And Ron himself, completing the peaceful ambiance. He always had a little sparkle in his eye. So cool, so calm, so collected. Mollie and I were his favorite. He had his other customers, but nothing made him so happy as to see us girls. We'd order our teas, and he'd usually give us soup, or an organic bagel, or a vegan cookie. He knew just how we took everything too. Mollie liked her tea with lots of sugar and cream. I took mine with splenda and nonfat milk. Mollie liked her bagel toasted, and i took mine fresh. He never missed a beat.

And I always meant to ask him, though i don't rightly know why I never did, what his life was like. Mollie and I, we always told him about our life, and he enjoyed that.

But that man must of led an incredible life. An exciting one. One that he can look back at and smile. You could just see it in his eyes. His face told a thousand stories, and I never read a one.

Last year Lorraine's went out of buisness. I wish I could see Ron again, though I don't know what exactly I'd say. Probably just chat about college, and Mollie, and theatre. He loved to see me in those plays. "You're a star, my darling," he'd always say. "When I'm old and whithered and nurses need to feed me, I'll tell them that I personally served tea to Miss Dana Fleming herself, I did. They'll think it's the Alzheimer's, but I'll know it happened." When I left for college I said goodbye. "You take care my dear. Remember kid, you're a star!"

Sad to say, I'll probably dissapoint him.

But he knows that. :)

So hey! There's something other than my family, biking, and swimming in Brown's Lake at 2:30 AM that I miss about Chewelah.

Ethreal

2005-08-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

It's amazing outside. Really. It's so beautiful I feel like I'm going to cry. I adore the rain so deeply.

The rain makes me cry sometimes, but a good type of cry. Movies don't make me cry, unless you count, "The Fox and the Hound."

My dad playing the flute makes me cry. It's so beautiful when he does. There is something about him creating something so beautiful.

I can't wait till snowboarding season! Flying over the snow. The wind in your face, nothing but white.

Nature! I heart thee!

2005-08-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

So I did a Tae Bo video and now I am wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt and my hair smells AMAZING. (Biolage is the greatest shampoo ever) Looking forward to the Greenday concert with Erik, now that I won't be a wierd, distant, bitter, wench. Horrah for making peace with one's past!

I ran into least 30 old pals today that I haven't spoken with once all summer! The highlight was miss Jini Suttner who will be living right across from me. Sheesh, I adore that gal.

My friend Bransen (Branden Hansen...Branden + Hansen = Bransen) might come visit me down in Provo, which would be AWESOME. I just have no idea where he'd stay...I asked him if he'd bring along our friend Stef. We shall see.

oooo lots and lots of things to think about, and talk about, and worry about...but eventually enjoy? Time will tell. It always does.

My hair smells SO DANG GOOD. Oh it's incredible.

I am now going to go finish the Phantom Tollbooth. You can come over if you like. After 10:00 would be ideal because I'd like to take a short, well-needed nap. But you'll have to leave before 4:00 this time. Not that I didn't enjoy every second of it, I was just way too sleepy today.

Okay...

2005-08-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

So I lied. I'm not ready for a relationship. Not until I get my crap together.

I'm excited for church. It's one of those things that I can do right. I can show up on Sunday for church, and I know I'm where I need to be, and that makes me feel really good.

Good thing is, I don't miss Erik anymore. Well, I do. But not like I used to. Which is a good thing.

I remember when Luke told me that sometimes I need to turn off the T.V., turn off a music, put down the book, leave my friends, and just be quiet for a while. And just let the spirit speak. I haven't done that in a while and I can feel the difference it makes in my life.

However, despite the mess I make of my life every now and then, things are going well. I feel pretty happy, which I should. I'm a very blessed child.

I'm still a child in so many ways. Whenever I talk to adults I still get all nervous and my palms get all sweaty and I call them "Sir," "Mam," "Mr." or "Mrs."

I feel really bad for Harrison. My parents shouldn't give him such a hard time about grades and tests and stuff. I wasn't that great of a student (3.2 cough cough) and I think they forget that sometimes. Yes, my shining ACT score. Huzzah. It was basically a fluke. I just sort of rolled out of bed and got lucky. True I'm a good test-taker, but it doesn't make a person. At least Harrison didn't spend high school making fun of others, and worshipping the goddess of thiness. At least he knows what's important. I'm still learning!

I love them all so much. I just look back, and wish I could have set a better example. And I'm really trying hard. Honest. I suppose it's the perpetual regret of the oldest child.

bah

2005-08-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

up, down, up, down, and round and round again.

I'm so tired and I know why.

I'm ready for another relationship. I want to be in "like" again. The butterflies, and the stupid smiling for no reason at all. Ahhh no feeling in the world like it.

Only trouble is...with who?

2005-08-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

I really want to just bike allllllll day long. There are very few things in this world that would or could make me happier.

A beautiful Sunday...

2005-08-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, so these last few days have been awesome. I fasted for 24 hours, and read the Book of Mormon. Not the whole thing (Not even close...I'm such a slow reader it's not even funny) But I read more than I have ever read in one sitting in my entire life! And I got so much out of it. (see, my problem when I read is that I have to understand every thing I'm reading to some degree before I can go forward)

I have so much peace with the Erik and my eating problems. I feel strong and I'm not setting myself up for failure. I got rid of the C.D. of sappy songs Erik made me when he missed me. I overate after breaking my fast, but just drank a bunch of water, and listened to the Mo-Tab while my stomach chilled for a bit.

I had a really good Sunday at church with a friend. I don't know if he had a great time, but I really appriciated him letting me come, and teaching me, and making me think about some pretty important stuff that has always sifted in the back of my mind, but I'd rather just bury it than address it. But I see how important it is now.

I received a blessing from Jason Linford and his roommate for the strength I need. It was amazing. Everything I needed to hear was in that blessing. I know that I can't find true peace through people, food, TV., music, and even exercise. Those are all blessing from the Lord, but true solace comes through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that without a doubt in my mind.

And I know, through daily scripture study, prayer, and service to others, I will have the strength I need to bless the lives of those I know and love.

Also...something's coming. Don't know what it is exactly, but the winds are definitely changing. Heh...could be? Who knows? It's only just, out of reach, down the block, on a beach

maybe...

Paper Lanterns

2005-08-12T18:55:00.000-07:00

so when are all my troubles going to end?
i'm understanding now that we are only friends
every day i'm asking why
i still think about you...

Sometimes...

2005-08-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

Heavenly Father puts angels in our lives. We don't recognize them as such, because they have bodies, clothes, hair, names, and problems.

But they're still angels.

What is it about you that I adore?

2005-08-10T17:27:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say I was glad it happened. I'm trying really really hard. I wish we would have just stayed friends. I wish I never would have kissed him. And I wish he hadn't been so perfect to me. He was nothing but nice, and I didn't give him the time of day.

I don't want him back, because I broke it off in the first place, and I don't deserve him. Oh, AND he's going on a mission (tiny detail.) I'm fine being alone. I just don't know how to say I'm sorry.

And Cheech and Chong (the second) both passed away last night. They were very loyal goldfish. Never left my side. Not like they had much of a choice though.

a new chapter in the fabulous life of Dana...or something like that.

2005-08-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

Well, another year. Will it measure up to last? Probably not, but it can still be worthwhile.

I use livejournal a lot, but some strange crap has been going down between my old friends that's none of my buisness. So along with a fresh year, fresh sheets, and a fresh start, how about a fresh blog?

Taking Russian, Modern Dance, Intro to Theatre Ed. and some other classes. Trying to decide whether I want to be an Actress or a Theatre Teacher. Working at Freschetta and living in the Regency Apts.

Writing all of my friends from last year and missing them desperately.

pondering what I want for lunch...